\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////

First quarter is almost over. Ate chocolate cake for breakfast. Looking for a co op where I won't have to work with leather or fur. I was trying to get one with Shannon Yoho in China, but it's not looking very good right now and I'm pretty disappointed.

I ran like I was being chased by a barra-barracuda

My 5k training is coming along nicely. I'm running 11 minutes and walking 1. Next week I should be straight running.

Word of advice about running in Spring Grove Cemetery: don't ever run on the trail that leads you past the infant section or you might have to nonchalantly run past a young couple praying into an empty stroller. Talk about awkward. I ran faster than I ever have before.

Well I got one of the kids at work to stop calling me ma'am every time he talks to me. I had threatened to put up a swear jar and make him put a dollar in it every time he let a ma'am slip, and I think it worked. Being 7 to 8 years older than almost everyone at work is hard enough without them acting like they have to respect their elders around me. Now he tells me how great I look every time he sees me like he's trying to make me feel better about my aging figure. Can't win every battle, I guess.

We had a man call the store today asking if we were having any "going out of business" sales, it really brought morale up.

Brian and I are having a fight about where the recycling bin should go. He wants it outside because he thinks it's started to smell. I want it inside so I don't have to go outside every time I want to throw something away. He's kept it outside, and I've started throwing garbage in the empty spot where the recycling bin used to be right in front of him while staring daggers into his soul. I think I'm going to win this one.

Call him Cleopatra, he's the queen of denial.

The conference call at work yesterday was pretty interesting. Dov said to ignore all the press about the company being in trouble because IT'S ALL A LIE. Everything, even the articles where he is quoted is a lie. Whew, what a relief!

We also had an incident with a cross dresser. He came in last week. At least 6 feet tall, his tapered, acid wash jeans, white country dad sneakers, and male pattern baldness all tied together with a bra and eyeliner. I wasn't there for the whole story, so I had to be caught up later that his roommates had called ahead of time to tell Leah that they were sending him in to humiliate him for being an asshole. They wanted him to pick up some clothing for the female roommate and try it on because if it fit him, it would fit her. And they wanted to make sure he tried on the frilliest, girliest stuff possible. So I just see this big man carrying around a petticoat and a bunch of lace and walk into the dressing room.

After he pays for everything and leaves, I go to Leah and I'm like, "What the fuck was that!?!"

So she tells me about the people that called before and hands me this card. The outside had butterflies and said, "Your help is such a blessing."

The inside said this: "Thank you sooo much for your help with this sissy-

Petticoat

Skirt

Leggings

Body Suit

The more girly you can find

We got this sissy black pumps (oh boy) This should be fun.

He pops our bra straps like a 5 yr old

Picks up our skirts

Wears our makeup

Treats women like crap (inferior)

A while after the man left, the roommate called back and thanked Leah again for her help and told her that they had packed the man's stuff up and he was moving out. I don't know what's been going on in that apartment, and it seems that they were successful in getting rid of their "sissy" roommate. But if I wanted to humiliate a cross dresser, the last thing I would think to do is get him to dress like a woman. I mean he showed up already wearing a bra and eyeliner, putting on a skirt is not exactly outside his comfort zone.

Bleh. This will not pass muster.

Yesterday, Brian and I found these bugs in and around our house:

It was a pretty exciting Sunday. We went to Sam's club, watched Arrested Development, and dealt with bugs.

My 5k training is coming along nicely. I'm up to 9 minutes of running and 2minutes of walking. I should be doing running only in 2 weeks. I'm not going to show up to a 5k and run/walk it. Everyone will think I'm a pussy and I AM A WARRIOR!!!! RAWR! I made a play list on my ipod specifically for working out and I noticed that all the songs on it have words like war, sword, sniper, fight etc. in them. Turns out I have to get really pissed off in order to work out. Good thing I have a never ending supply of aimless rage in my body that I can summon at will. If I listen to the right mix of music and think about my step-dad enough, I'll be floating on a rage cloud to first place in no time.

Yes that's right, fuck it.

I'm having a beer after a long, hard day and it feels like freedom.The regional manager called a week ago and asked for pictures of the store because Ohio is doing worse than anywhere else in the US. He wrote back a 3 line email with little tips about what I can fix and then that was it. Today he called again saying that Dov wants to see pictures of the store and to send more. Jesus, they act like the whole company is going under because of where I hang the one shoulder dress and what kind of hanger it's on. I've decided not to worry about it anymore. I'll do what I can and that's where it ends. I didn't get a raise when I took on more responsibility and haven't gotten one in the year that I've been back (no one will let me ask for one, even) so they can lick my balls.

Now that that is over, let me share with you a picture of what happens when Brian tries to take a nap while I'm doing laundry.

Just One of Dem Days (Don't take it personal)

Who wants to hear a long, drawn out story about my vagina!?!?!?

I went to Planned Parenthood today hoping they would have an answer as to why my blood pressure plummets every time I have my period, and why I had my period for one day last week, stopped, then had it for two and a half days this week. Well, THEY DIDN'T. But they did charge me $177 to ask the fucking question. I got to go to the surgical center where the same shriveled old man has been sitting with his millions of judgmental signs for years. All by himself with those signs....praying. I get the urge to drive up on the sidewalk and run over all of those self-righteous sandwich boards every time I drive by. Why is it that the only people I ever see protesting outside of those places are old white men? Nothing inside but young black women, but outside looking down their noses at everyone is an old white man who is too busy protesting to adopt any of the children he's hoping to save. It's just my belief that if you're anti-choice, you should be forced by law to adopt at least one underprivileged minority child (preferably with a disability) or shut the fuck up, cause everyone else is adopting from China.

I also think they shouldn't be playing Warm 98 inside the clinic. When I'm wearing a paper gown and waiting for a stranger to violate me for a fee, I don't want to listen to Taylor Swift. Also, the last thing a poor girl who's about to find out she got chlamydia from her ex-boyfriend (who's dating her younger and skinnier ex-best friend now) wants to listen to is an idealistic love song written by a naive 18 year old bean pole who makes $20 million a year. Not helpful. Classical would be the ideal choice. No lyrics, no mental comparisons concerning your poor life choices. And I would appreciate some posters on the ceiling I could read.

COMSUMER ALERT! Brian was going to make some rice tonight that we got from the Whole Foods bulk section and apparently there where some insect eggs mixed in with the rice that have started to hatch. Looks like some sort of moth and guess what, I already ate some.

This article has got me in a tizzy

The comments that go along with it provide some stunning answers to why the company is failing, which I will keep in mind everyday at work while they keep trying to blame the people at the bottom of the totem pole with the smallest amount of power.

Random/I might be bipolar or have had to much coffee

I'm making vegan/gluten free cupcakes for Erica's going away party and I thought to myself, "I wonder if people would have preferred vanilla cupcakes. No, if you're going to eat dessert, you might as well eat chocolate. That's why I lost my virginity to a black man. "

Mother may I?

I was just reminded of an incident where I was fighting with a boyfriend who was schizophrenic/alcoholic/bipolar...blah blah blah. I was winning the fight because he was a fucking idiot and so he asked me if he could use my razor to cut himself.

Like, thank you for asking, but no. What kind of a fucked up emo game of Mother May I is this?

Absolutely Flabulous

I got an Absolutely Fabulous DVD that Erica saved from the garbage. The first episodes were made in 1992 and I have a sneaking suspicion that whoever is designing American Apparel's new stuff is just going through an AB FAB phase and copying everything they see on the show. I tried to take a screen shot of AB FAB for evidence, but it wouldn't work. However, rest assured that the two styles pictured above are STRAIGHT FROM ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS. Specifically the episode when Edina turns 40. I've also seen the ottoman jacket on there as well as some of the more colorful spandex tights.

I'm back on the running train for now. Trying to train for a 5k again. I thought that Strike Anywhere would be good running music, and it is. But I stumbled upon the song "Chalkline" which is something I would listen to as a teenager when I felt bad about the way that I looked and the clothes I could afford. The lyrics made me feel more powerful and recognize that the fashion industry, misogynist men, and social standards wanted me to feel powerless and I could beat them by feeling good about who I was and taking my power back. Now that I somehow found myself at the fashion industry's door, I look back at how bad things like that used to make me feel and I feel guilty for becoming a part of it. I justify it by thinking that the best way to change the system is to get on the inside and be a voice for every teenage girl who doesn't feel good enough.

While I was running I imagined trying to make a stir in one of my classes about why our models have to be so tall and thin and why we don't make clothes for everyone to wear. Then I thought about how much trouble that would make for me because she probably feels bad about perpetrating such a fascist system, but is probably in denial about it and will get defensive. I'm sticking with this program because it's what I want, even though I can't even say exactly why. It's going to be a bumpy ride though.

I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E

I realized yesterday that if I posted all my opinions about why American Apparel may be going out of business, it could make for a really funny blog. But then I realized that someone from corporate might find it and I could be fired. YAY!

However, I will be trying to post everyday because I used to write in journals or online diaries almost every day and I really enjoy being able to read back and remember what my life was like or how much I have changed and grown.

Yesterday, I thought that our CEO was starting to act very nouveau riche with the way they are trying to redo the brand. We used to just be a bunch of unwashed tattooed miscreants selling t-shirts and that worked for us. Now tattoos are not allowed, we can't wear sneakers, and all the clothes we sell look like something from Dynasty or a Hall and Oats video. He said yesterday that we should be going for a more Ralph Lauren or Brooks Brothers look. But he's never going to be Ralph Lauren as long as the store is filled with pictures of emaciated girls wearing lace t-shirts with their nipples exposed and when we sell calendars filled with pictures of uncircumcised penises.

Well, off to work!!!!!!

Rascal Flatts. AKA- Operation: Guerilla Neuter

We have a porch cat. He's an apparent stray that started sleeping on our porch swing a couple of months ago. He doesn't have a collar and most importantly, is not neutered. At first we called him Dammit Kitty, you don't live here!, then Porch Kitty, and now he's called Rascal Flatts. Our neighborhood is overrun with stray cats because, let's face it; if you're not going to go to any lengths to keep your 13 year old daughter from getting pregnant, why should you do anything about the cat? Rascal Flatts is super sweet and friendly, so I've been toying with the idea of stealing him to get him neutered and then turning him into our vet, who takes in stray cats. At first I was worried that he belonged to somebody and I would be stealing and mutilating one of our neighbors pets who would then retaliate by doing the same to one of our dogs. If you know anything about my neighbors, a little fear is healthy. But then I thought of the prospect of living my whole life not doing the right thing because I'm afraid that something might happen to me, and that's not the type of person I want to be. This cat could impregnate countless other strays over the summer making the stray problem worse. Plus, if we don't do something now, he'll start spraying on our porch. So tomorrow, I'm calling the vet to see about having him neutered and let the chips fall where they may.

Brian is filthy

In the fall, we had a mouse. It would run around at night in the living room and the dogs would freak out and bark and try to catch it. I intended on getting a humane trap to catch it, but put it off cause I would have to order one from the Internet. Eventually I realized I hadn't seen the mouse in a while and assumed it had left of it's own volition.

About a week ago, Brian said one of his friends from out of town needed a place to crash, and I told him to wash the sheets in the guest room. Well, Brian found a whole bunch of mouse shit in the guest bed. So it turns out that the mouse hadn't left, it was just staying in our guest room. When I got home from work that day, I asked Brian if he had washed the sheets and he said he didn't have time. When I asked him, what about all the mouse shit, he said he just vacuumed it up. Luckily the guy didn't end up staying with us.

P.S. What the hell is a cake eater? It's an old fashioned insult and I always assumed it meant that someone was gay, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I like the cut of your jib

Last night I used a treadmill at the gym and today there was a sign on it saying it was broken. I fail to see the connection. I wonder when someone will figure out a way to connect generators to all the treadmills and elliptical machines at the gym. There are at least 20 people on those things at all times, they would never have to pay an electric bill again.

I also thought today that the pro-life movement should use Iggy Pop's Lust For Life as their theme song and re-write it so it's called "Right To Life" (I got a right to life, yeah a right to life). It's even more fitting because Iggy Pop is so shriveled and veiny that he looks like an aborted fetus himself.

This is the most interesting thing I've learned in art school so far: apparently the Hebrew for radiant light is very similar to the Hebrew for horned. Because of this, Moses was depicted in works of art with horns on his head for something like a thousand years. Here's Michelangelo's Moses:

It's kind of hard to see, but there are two nubby horns on the top of his head. Cute, he looks like a billy goat.

Is 5 days long enough to wait to make fun of this?

Check out this hot little number who starred in Oprah's child molester special:

I know Oprah's going to track me down and skin me alive if she sees this for making fun of such a serious matter, but look at the guy. He looks like he wore a cape to every day of high school and refers to women as saucy wenches because he can't afford to break from his D&D character. COME ON!

You got a little hitch in your giddyup?

Watching Walk the Line! I wish I could get a parrot and teach it to talk like a southern woman, but I’m against having any pet that would outlive me.

It occurred to me today that Elmwood would be a really cute place to live if there weren’t so many white trash assholes living here to ruin it for me. There’s a public library right down the road and a bunch of little shops within walking distance. It has the potential to be like Northside or Ludlow. But every time I get another notice that a sex offender has moved in next door, I realize this is God’s toilet and he’s just taken a big old shit in it.

You are not special and you’ll never be famous.

Certain people are dirty sluts. Will I be fired for telling people that no matter how long they complain, they are not going to get what they want? Having my boss be one of my best friends makes terrible behavior really tempting.

The scorpion looks like a mistake of nature. Have you seen how it walks? It can barely drag itself across the desert.

This winter has really got my balls in a vice. Seriously, it reminds me of the Lewis Black bit where by the middle of February, you want to slit your wrists just to see some color. I want a firm commitment from somebody to go halvies on bouncy castle rental to celebrate once the warm weather comes back.

Lindsey and I are planning a trip to Tennessee during spring break to see my brother’s baby. I’ve always wanted to bring a friend home with me cause of all the stories I tell about the town and my family and I want to prove that I’m not making this shit up. Brian didn’t seem to impressed with any of it until he realized you could buy fire works there. I think Lindsey will be more appreciative of things like when my uncle showed up to my brother’s wedding in a kilt and when my other uncle got so drunk at the reception that he got up in the middle of the night naked to pee and couldn’t find his way back to the bedroom, so he just slept in the hallway.

I’m thinking of taking her on a tour of some of the high points of my childhood. And maybe I can finally get some prints of my uncle’s civil war re-enactment wedding.