Brian is filthy

In the fall, we had a mouse. It would run around at night in the living room and the dogs would freak out and bark and try to catch it. I intended on getting a humane trap to catch it, but put it off cause I would have to order one from the Internet. Eventually I realized I hadn't seen the mouse in a while and assumed it had left of it's own volition.

About a week ago, Brian said one of his friends from out of town needed a place to crash, and I told him to wash the sheets in the guest room. Well, Brian found a whole bunch of mouse shit in the guest bed. So it turns out that the mouse hadn't left, it was just staying in our guest room. When I got home from work that day, I asked Brian if he had washed the sheets and he said he didn't have time. When I asked him, what about all the mouse shit, he said he just vacuumed it up. Luckily the guy didn't end up staying with us.

P.S. What the hell is a cake eater? It's an old fashioned insult and I always assumed it meant that someone was gay, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I like the cut of your jib

Last night I used a treadmill at the gym and today there was a sign on it saying it was broken. I fail to see the connection. I wonder when someone will figure out a way to connect generators to all the treadmills and elliptical machines at the gym. There are at least 20 people on those things at all times, they would never have to pay an electric bill again.

I also thought today that the pro-life movement should use Iggy Pop's Lust For Life as their theme song and re-write it so it's called "Right To Life" (I got a right to life, yeah a right to life). It's even more fitting because Iggy Pop is so shriveled and veiny that he looks like an aborted fetus himself.

This is the most interesting thing I've learned in art school so far: apparently the Hebrew for radiant light is very similar to the Hebrew for horned. Because of this, Moses was depicted in works of art with horns on his head for something like a thousand years. Here's Michelangelo's Moses:

It's kind of hard to see, but there are two nubby horns on the top of his head. Cute, he looks like a billy goat.

Is 5 days long enough to wait to make fun of this?

Check out this hot little number who starred in Oprah's child molester special:

I know Oprah's going to track me down and skin me alive if she sees this for making fun of such a serious matter, but look at the guy. He looks like he wore a cape to every day of high school and refers to women as saucy wenches because he can't afford to break from his D&D character. COME ON!

You got a little hitch in your giddyup?

Watching Walk the Line! I wish I could get a parrot and teach it to talk like a southern woman, but I’m against having any pet that would outlive me.

It occurred to me today that Elmwood would be a really cute place to live if there weren’t so many white trash assholes living here to ruin it for me. There’s a public library right down the road and a bunch of little shops within walking distance. It has the potential to be like Northside or Ludlow. But every time I get another notice that a sex offender has moved in next door, I realize this is God’s toilet and he’s just taken a big old shit in it.

You are not special and you’ll never be famous.

Certain people are dirty sluts. Will I be fired for telling people that no matter how long they complain, they are not going to get what they want? Having my boss be one of my best friends makes terrible behavior really tempting.

The scorpion looks like a mistake of nature. Have you seen how it walks? It can barely drag itself across the desert.

This winter has really got my balls in a vice. Seriously, it reminds me of the Lewis Black bit where by the middle of February, you want to slit your wrists just to see some color. I want a firm commitment from somebody to go halvies on bouncy castle rental to celebrate once the warm weather comes back.

Lindsey and I are planning a trip to Tennessee during spring break to see my brother’s baby. I’ve always wanted to bring a friend home with me cause of all the stories I tell about the town and my family and I want to prove that I’m not making this shit up. Brian didn’t seem to impressed with any of it until he realized you could buy fire works there. I think Lindsey will be more appreciative of things like when my uncle showed up to my brother’s wedding in a kilt and when my other uncle got so drunk at the reception that he got up in the middle of the night naked to pee and couldn’t find his way back to the bedroom, so he just slept in the hallway.

I’m thinking of taking her on a tour of some of the high points of my childhood. And maybe I can finally get some prints of my uncle’s civil war re-enactment wedding.